Well, the day started out with some real promise. When we got back up to see Justin, he had gotten rid of the epinephrine, and they were ready to extubate him! So that was the first thing we saw. That was at 8 :15 this morning. Then they took out the LA line I mentioned. At about 9:30, he woke up. And he woke up with a vengeance! It was not good. His oxygen levels started dropping and he was really struggling to breathe. His bp was the highest I have seen, and his heart rate was making every alarm go off. He was screaming the only way he knew how, and it came out as a hoarse cry. He needed more oxygen so they decided to put on a canula that gives him a puff of oxygen, which ends up being about in between the regular nose canula and actually being intubated. But they couldn't do it quickly enough for me! They were so calm (very good for them, not good for me) but I wanted them to move faster, to make my baby feel better. It is difficult for the canula to stay on, and he was fighting it for a long time. It took about 2 1/2 hours to get him calmed down and asleep. He was screaming and fighting and I couldn't do anything to help. I felt like the most inadequate mom because I couldn't calm my child! Randy did really well and he managed to rock the bed in a way that put him to sleep. He woke an hour later and wouldn't calm again, so they increased his sedatives and pushed more morphine. When all the medicine finally hit him, he went out like a light, and he has been asleep since. It has been 2 hours now, and he really doesn't show signs of stirring. There was so much that was supposed to happen (in my mind) but it didn't work out that way. They were supposed to get rid of more lines, I was suposed to me able to feed him, we were supposed to be closer to a regular floor than to another day here in CVICU. But my plans are not God's plans, and I KNOW which has to change. My friends called to remind me to be strong and courageous, and that will be my mantra for the day. Here is a picture of him after he was extubated, but before the other canula was added. He has his pom pom hat on!
I want to hold him. I want to calm him. I want him to know how much I want to make it all go away. It takes every bit of restraint I have to keep myself from jumping in bed with him and grabbing him to hold him tight. Or to pull all the lines out and take him away. I keep singing, but I get too chocked up to get the words out, and I know it is not helping him any! God knows what I am feeling, and he knows my heart. He knows what we can handle together, but I still wish that he didn't think so highly of me.
6 comments:
Praying for your little guy!
I can't imagine what you're going through, but am praying specifically for peace and calm for all of you.
Abs has strep -- good thing we're "staying put" in Cypress!
Love you!
- d.
I am crying for you now! I know how hard and painful this must be. But, I still can't imagine going through it myself. You are right, God will never give you more than He can handle with you. But, I am sure it feels like you and Justin have handled enough. The days will get better, Justin will get better. Your heart will be healed as will Justin's. In the meantime, my prayers are with you my friend.
Oh my friend I know that feeling!!! I didn't get to hold Zoe for a full day because of different reasons- I remember the pain that Mason went through with his surgery! I KNOW you want to take care of him and bear his burden!~ I hurt for you and with you! I am praying soo very hard for peace and calm for your heart! Kisses and Hugs to you!
Oh sweet DeCarlo Family we are holding you up in prayer tonight. We are so sorry that things did not go as smoothly as y'all had hope. It will be better as time goes by. Thank you again for keeping us posted even when it is hard. Much love!!
Bluntly, your restraint is amazing! I would want to jump up on the bed and hold him too! We will specifically pray tonight for continued stability and peace for each of you.
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