Easy Street

I was driving to therapy a few weeks ago, praying as I went. I think Justin must have been teething or he had a stuffy nose because I was praying that he would feel better. I was struck by how many of my prayers are rooted in wanting things to be easy: take away our pain/sickness, allow us to have a good day, keep us out of conflicts, etc. Sometimes at the end of the prayer I might throw in a little, "But help me to do your will while I go along my merry way." I somehow expect God's will for me to be only easy all the time. Nothing that would make me stray too far from the ordinary. Nothing that would be too difficult.

One of my friends has a fabulous quote by Erma Bombeck on the top of her blog: "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." That reminds me of a sermon by a former preacher at our church. He said that he envisions arriving in heaven and God handing him a pamphlet and saying, "This is the pamphlet of the things you did for me." And then God will lead him into a huge room filled with books lining every wall from floor to ceiling. (SO my kind of room!) And then God says, " This is the library of things I had planned for you to do for me." I do not want that to be how I want my arrival in heaven to be, but I fear I may be headed that way if I continue to ask for the easy was out of every situation.

A book I recently read said something to the effect of, "Sometimes the hardest road to be on is the right one." God never said that following him would be easy. It certainly wasn't easy for the prophets and definitely not for Jesus or the disciples. So why do I keep asking God for that?

In all of my looking back at how Justin's life has been so far, and how God has walked with me, I know he has prepared me for each step of it. Now as I look forward I worry that the people and situations I encounter are preparing me for something else and already I find myself asking God to take it away. Justin is more prone to leukemia and celiac disease and when Justin was in the hospital recovering from surgery I had a conversation with a friend about not wanting Justin to have leukemia. He wasn't even over heart surgery and already I was telling God what I didn't want him to give our family! I feel as though I am balking at the preparation for the next "thing" and it's not even here yet!

I don't think it's wrong in any way to pray for good things. And I am certain that God wants me to share the deepest desires of my heart with him. But I fear that when all I want is the good and the avoidance of anything difficult that I was not truly walking the path that will bring God the most glory. I am afraid that God will actually give me what I want, even though it's not what he wants for me. I fear that I may pray away God's best and happily accept God's okay. I am putting limits on God. I know in my mind that God and I can do amazing things together. We already have! But if I don't want any bumps in my road, how can I say that I trust God and believe that his will is the very best?

I have been working red eye flight almost every month since Travis was born. I would leave for work at about 4 pm and get back home at about 7 am. On the outbound flight the passengers would be awake and we would serve dinner. On the way home, almost everyone would be asleep before we even took off. I loved those flights home! I could do all kinds of things that I couldn't do at home: read, write letters, hear myself think. It was glorious. Due to cutbacks, we aren't flying those flights anymore and now I have to work while it's light outside! So no more down time at work. I have been feeling like that was my time of preparation. And now I am in the light and I am expected to use the talents and the knowledge God has been pouring into me during that time.

I want to want to struggle with God through whatever he desires for me, rather than go along my merry way, blissfully ignorant to God's call on my life. Sometimes, that's where I have to start, praying to want to want. Sometimes it's even more "wants" than that! But if I truly desire to serve the God I love, I have to be all in, bumps, bruises, cuts and scrapes, if I expect the rewards and glory that He promises.