Starting Over

I received a request today to pass on my name to someone who is having their child tested for DS. I quickly agreed and then spent the morning trying to think of what I wish someone would have said to me when I was waiting for test results. Randy and I never had that opportunity. We decided not to share our concerns with anyone, so no one knew we were waiting for test results. I know at least I felt a little silly saying that I thought something was wrong when even our pediatrician didn't mention anything. It's that parents' intuition, and a little nudge from God I think.

But we spent those 6 days waiting by ourselves. There was some anxiety, but mostly love, enjoying our new baby and coming to face the possibility that we might be in for more than we had planned. I know I spent lots of time talking with God. It might be better termed begging and pleading for him to make that test be "normal". I cried some, but couldn't cry as much as it felt like I should. I did not spend one minute on the computer searching for anything on DS. I clung to the fact that one of the physical markers for DS is also present in Travis. (And he doesn't have DS.) And mostly I waited, and wondered if anyone else could see what we had seen. But those 6 days. Not ones I want to do again.

Here's what I think I would say to someone who is waiting: Spend the time getting to know God. He will be your very best strength and ally. He is trustworthy. He knows all your fears and doubts, so telling him won't be shocking. He is faithful and what he has promised to do, he will do! Check out those promises in the Bible. If you cannot see God for the enormity of the situation, then look to where you saw him last. He's the same. The same way he worked and moved in other places, he is aching to do more of the same, if we let him. And if you can't seem to remember the last time you have seen God, then ask a friend. Ask me if you can't find anyone else who can tell you stories of the wonders God can do. I have tried to write of the amazing ways God works, and I hope that is clear. And the other thing I would recommend is to find someone who will just be with you. There is nothing a friend can say that will make the time go any faster, or any better. Just acknowledging how hard this is, and then listening to whatever the person wants to say. I don't think I would have said anything. But having someone to cry with and wipe my tears on would be enough.

If the test comes out negative? Wonderful! Just consider what God wanted you to show you through this time of waiting, and don't allow the lessons to pass unlearned. There is a point to everything. Sometimes more than one, and sometimes not just for the person going through it.

And if the test comes out with DS? I would say that while it's not what you thought it would be when you had your sweet baby, it's also not what you are thinking now. Thoughts of children mocking our son and him having to ride the "short bus" to school were all that we could imagine at first. It's some major grieving that has to happen, and it's not something that passes and never returns. There are always moments of whistfully hoping things could have been different. But there is also promise and joy. It's not "going to be okay", but you will survive. And soon, you will thrive. But don't get too far ahead of yourself. Take one day at a time. Don't let worry consume you. And above all, enjoy the precious gift God had given you.

At this point, I can barely see the screen through my tears. Like I said, there are moments in which I desperately wish things could be different, but they pass more quickly each time. I don't know who Justin would be without DS, and I love my little boy fiercely. His joy bubbles over and he is enchanting and captivating to all he encounters. He can bring me to the highest of heights and to the depths of frustration in a heartbeat. He is definitely the little boy I never knew I needed. This isn't going to be a comfort to you while you are waiting. I am speaking with only 15 months experience. That is just a drop in the bucket of Justin's life. I certainly don't know it all, but I know how raw the emotions can be. But I also live each day knowing that it's not me who has to do it all, and I lean on God for the strength to carry me when I have nothing left.