Comparisons

These days, I really don't even think much about Justin having DS. He's mostly just Justin. When we are out, sometimes people will stop to look at the boys and I don't even wonder what they think. We don't go to the doctor that much, surgery is over, and we are approaching his first birthday. It's kind of just LIFE now. He's not a baby, even though he is probably just over 14 pounds and still wears size 2 diapers, but he doesn't seem like a toddler. He cannot walk, he cannot crawl, and he cannot really even support himself on his arms and knees. It doesn't seem weird, it's just who he is.

But sometimes I cannot help but compare. Everything! And sometimes we come out better, and other times we fall so very short. I read other DS blogs and hear stories of long NICU stays and feeding tubes and children with BOTH autism and DS and I think we have it so good! And then there are other times that I see other DS kids who are walking at the typical age and are so advanced and I wonder if we will EVER get there. And that says nothing of my comparisons to typical children and families. I sometimes think it would be nice to have another child, but the thought of risking another child with DS paralyzes me. I long for the days of being carefree. Even just having Travis felt carefree compared to now.

I have really had to focus on God's blessings and God's promises to me in way that I haven't ever done in the past. When the rug was pulled out from under me I learned quickly who I needed to trust to pick me up. I have tried so hard to rely on God and not look to other people and their lives, but sometimes, I just cannot seem to stop! So I am on a roller coaster that is driven by circumstances. And circumstance change. Constantly! As fast as the roller coaster reaches the top, it has to go down again. Sometimes the dip isn't far, but other times I feel like it's a free fall! I keep striving to have JOY. Not just happiness that comes and goes as life changes, but joy that comes from knowing that everything that I have is from God. And I have SO MUCH! That everything teaches me and helps me to grow closer to him and to heaven. I want the deep down joy that Jesus gives and not the fleeting feelings that are circumstance-dependent. Some days it seems so close, and other days I wonder if I ever really knew what it was like at all. My grandmother wrote me a note which sums up what I hope to achieve. She said, "I pray you can wake up seeking God's advice, live the day trusting him, and go to bed thanking him." What else can I say...It's all about God and his plan for my life. He'll give me the wisdom, the strength, and his spirit to do the task he has given me. If I would just quit looking at other people's tasks! Just for today maybe. That's all I can face anyway, just today.