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Some events lately have caused me to rethink the approach have been taking towards my kids.

This is how I feel like I have been interacting with them:

Travis: teaching, growing, nurturing, exploring, thriving, instructing, developing, testing, stretching, inquiring, preparing

Justin: protecting

That just about sums it up. And I am not proud of it. I just spoke with Randy this weekend about warning Justin before we do something because he knows so much about what is happening and I don't want to catch him off guard. I am so inclined just to attack his face with the washcloth after a meal or take him up off the floor while he's playing to change his diaper, all without warning. I wouldn't do that to a nearly 2-year-old. I think because Justin can't walk that he needs me maybe more than he really does. And that somehow we are more connected and I have more rights over him, but none of the obligations that accompany those rights.

I sing songs with Travis and read him books, but Justin doesn't sit still long enough to do anything very long, so I don't even try. I don't work on naming body parts like I did with Travis. Not often enough. I don't ask him to make choices, choices I know he can make. I don't ask his opinion. He is babbling like crazy. I know there is some intentionality, but I miss it completely. He is very sincere too! The longer educational process is already starting. I just didn't realize it. I am slower to catch on than Justin. I guess I knew that would happen.

Last Tuesday before Bible study, where we can leave the kids for 3 whole hours to have study and then go to lunch, without kids, I talked with Justin about how he would eat his lunch. He refuses to eat for any of the ladies in the nursery anymore. He shakes his head "no!" I told him that someone else would be feeding him and if he didn't eat he would have to wait to eat until dinner. He shook his head "no" again and I said that was fine, but I just wanted him to know. He didn't eat until dinner that day, but I should have known. He told me after all.

He is getting preferences at meals. If there are french fries around, he won't eat much of anything else. I have to hold a french fry, and a fork with whatever meat or vegetable we are eating and tell him that he can have the fry if he eats the meat/vegetable. He shakes his head and cries, and puts his head down, giving me a pitiful look. Then it's up to me to cave or stand firm. (It goes about 50/50.)

And my favorite: Justin likes music, and likes to dance in his way. He will bee bop along with whatever Travis is singing or whatever CD is playing. When Travis was little I would take his hands to do the motions of the songs as I sang them. I haven't done that much with Justin, but Justin shocked me last night. One of Travis' favorite songs lately is "God's clouds are gently floating..." ( I don't know song titles, sorry...) with all the hand motions. Justin sat on the floor behind him and mimicked him astonishingly well! Then Travis moved on to "I'm all wrapped up, I'm all tied up, I'm all tangled up in Jesus" with the accompanying hand motions and again, Justin jumped right in and did exactly what Travis was doing! He wasn't singing, but he knew what the song was and how to participate the best way he knew how.

I am struggling to learn how to be Justin's mom even more than I struggled to be Travis' mom when he was this age. Since Justin started crawling he is more independent. It's now more difficult to leave Travis for Bible class than it is to leave Justin. But that's a whole different issue. I need my eyes to be opened to ways to push Justin and stretch him the way that suits him. Today we were doing some "school" with Travis and Justin colored while sitting on my lap while we did some workbooks pages. He did more coloring for me than he often does for Miss Caroline. And he asked for several different colors too. We might have to make her a picture for therapy!

I get tired so often and I just want it to be easy. I am sure all parents want that sometimes. Okay, maybe most times! For right now I just want to see Justin through new eyes and not miss the potential and the ability that is right under my nose. I am ashamed that I seem to have written off my son and not wanted the best for him when it was so easily available. Singing, talking, interacting- not difficult concepts! But they can lead to so much more. That will be fun to see!